


With All My Heart Put Me Through, It Leads Me Back to You

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: When We're Together [15]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-20
Updated: 2011-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:35:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wondered on what page of their history this night would fall on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With All My Heart Put Me Through, It Leads Me Back to You

**Author's Note:**

> 5/1/2011 One year later, same ship, same series. OK, I admit I've been listening to a certain Celine Dion song on repeat for like two days. But you know what, it got them to open up and tell this story so I won't look a gift song in the mouth. This is a little AU as it talks about the past I believe them to have and fanon as it shows how I see them now. The title comes from the Celine Dion song, Only One Road. It’s also #15 in the When We’re Together series, which chronicles the early parts of this relationship.

“David?”

“Yeah?” he poked his head out of the bathroom.

“This pen is out of ink.”

“I should have plenty in the desk drawer. Are you doing the crossword puzzle?”

“Yes.” Erin nodded as she got up from the bed.

“ _The Post_ crossword puzzle?” he asked.

“Yes. I know that if I touched _The Times_ you'd possibly have a coronary.”

“Its not that…OK, that’s possible.”

She smiled as he disappeared again behind the bathroom door. Erin sat down in his desk chair and opened the middle drawer. There were plenty of red pens, surely for editing purposes. She started pushing around the papers and random desk debris when her eyes fell on the picture. For a moment Erin wasn’t even sure what she was looking it.

The woman in the picture looked like her, but she barely recognized the woman. She picked it up in her hand, which was now trembling, and really looked at it. Dave and Erin, circa a long ass time ago. Oh God, she remembered that pink button down sweater. It was one of the first things he bought for her; he loved her in pink.

Erin never wore it to FBI headquarters. It was too feminine…she didn’t want to be looked at as a woman. That seemed silly; she was a woman and was proud to be one in her position. Back then though, she just wanted to be an equal.

She was wearing the pink sweater and Dave wore a black button down shirt and blue jeans. He was sitting on the couch, she on his lap. Their arms were around each other; smiles clean and bright. This was another lifetime. A lifetime where she deluded herself into thinking she could change him.

He was bold, brash, a cocky bastard. He was beating off the women with a stick and enjoying every minute. He would tell her how much he adored her out of one side of his mouth and get on her for wanting to be ‘one of the suits’ out of the other. She should be a field agent, he said, see the action and not be a desk jockey. He was always away with BAU, a different city nearly every week.

Erin couldn’t take it anymore after a year. She was young; there was life out there to live. She didn’t want to be waiting by the window for her hero to appear and to give her some time when he found it. And the women; there were always so many damn women.

It fit for Dave’s ego. Erin at home and God knows who else in another town or another townhouse. He was a notorious flirt with a wandering eye. He may have had some other wandering body parts as well. They fought about it relentlessly.

He always told Erin she was crazy, paranoid. He wasn’t cheating and he wasn’t going to keep justifying himself to her wild accusations. It got to where all they did was fight. Erin left so she would survive.

She was dying in the relationship and Dave didn’t seem too happy either. They went their separate ways and the rest was history. It was dark, thorny, happy, sad, angry, and bitter history. History had a way of repeating itself, isn’t that what Santayana said.

“Baby?”

“I found it.” Erin cleared her throat as she shoved the picture back and grabbed a blue pen pressed into a corner.

“Are you alright?” Dave asked.

“What?” she turned to look at him. He wore track pants and a CCNY tee shirt.

“Are you alright, Erin?”

“Yeah…I'm fine.” She nodded, getting up and going back to the bed. “I just want to get to this puzzle.”

“Well I'm gonna walk the dog and then…”

“What?” her glasses were perched on the bridge of her nose when she looked at him.

“Damn, you're beautiful.” Dave said.

She smiled but it quickly faded. Dave sensed something was wrong but she seemed fine earlier. They both took Saturday off. There would be no paperwork or trips to Quantico. They slept in, played with the dog (that was mostly Dave), and spent the day being a couple.

He wrote a little, she read, they talked, watched a movie, cooked together, napped…it was a perfect day. It would end with her crossword, him walking the dog, and then they would make love and sleep. Tomorrow was Sunday and that meant Dave made brunch and they made love again. Weekends with Erin were his favorite thing these days. Except now she seemed anxious and strange. The air in the room had changed and Dave struggled to catch his breath.

What could’ve happened in the 20 minutes or so he was in the bathroom? He looked at her, really looked at her, and she still looked like Erin. But that was the thing with Erin; you never knew until it slapped you across the face. That happened to Dave more than once. If something was wrong he wanted to get to the bottom of it. If nothing was wrong, he didn’t want to be paranoid for nothing.

“I’ll walk the dog.” He said, deciding to let the evening play itself out. Everything was fine and he didn’t want to be the cause of it not being fine.

“Would you like some company?” she asked.

“No, baby, you stay here and work on your puzzle. I’ll be back in 15 minutes or so.”

She nodded, looking down at the newspaper as she held the pen in her mouth. Dave called Mudgie and the dog came running. He took one more look at Erin before leaving the room. Everything was fine, it would be fine, and there was nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

***

David was upset. She would say angry but she wasn’t sure how angry one could be and still sleep. They made love, but there was nothing good about it. Erin was tense and uncomfortable. Dave sensed it even though she thought she did a good job of faking it.

And she faked all of it. She was almost ashamed of herself, she never had to do that with him, but Erin was also proud she could still turn in an Emmy Award-winning performance. So here they were, in the dark. Dave lay sleeping on his side. He could be a heavy sleeper but Erin had mastered his breathing. He was either sleeping light or not sleeping at all.

He was better than she; could probably pretend all night if he had to. She was staring up at the ceiling fan. They'd been here before hadn't they? But that had been at the end and they were at the beginning again. A year and a half was more than the beginning. They'd been together longer now than the first time.

She’d honestly stopped comparing the times. They were different people now…for better or worse. Age, experience, victories, defeats, and everything in between had made for an all new relationship. It had nothing to do with the past and she finally knew that. Leave it to the past to smack her right in the face.

It was all Erin could think of for the rest of the evening. It was all she was thinking about now. The rift between them grew so far apart that nothing could mend it. It was stay and die or leave and survive. That’s how bad it was at the end.

_“What's her name, David?”_

_“Whose name?” he didn’t bother to hide his exasperated sigh. He wasn’t in the mood for this song and dance tonight. It was bad enough he didn’t even want to go this silly party. He knew it was important to her so he would grin and bear it. Her asking him was payback for some perceived slight anyway, at least he thought so. Declining would’ve only convinced her that the craziness in her head was true._

_“The redhead.” Erin replied._

_“What redhead? Dammit, Erin, what are you talking about now?”_

_“The redhead, David. The redhead, the brunette, the pretty black girl or the girl with the green eyes who laughs at everything you say.”_

_“Oh dear God…are we going to do this again? Do we really have to do this shit again?”_

_“So you're gonna tell me you're not a ladies man?”_

_“I've told you a million damn times and you don’t listen. I can't keep doing this; I don’t know what you want from me. I'm with you, Erin?”_

_“When?”_

_“I'm with you right now!” Dave exclaimed._

_“Well bravo Rossi.”_

_“Jesus.” He ran his hands over his face. “Tell me what you want from me. Just tell me what I can do.”_

_“I don’t think there's anything you can do. David, you have to be a fool if you think I don’t about those women.”_

_“There are no women.” He started walking toward her, stopping when she held up her hands. He refused to get into another fight that might turn physical. Two weeks ago she slapped the hell out of him and he shook her good. He had to leave before anything else happened that he regretted. Max Ryan asked him why he didn’t keep running. The truth of the matter was that he thought he might love Erin. That made the whole situation worse, not better._

_“I don’t believe you.” she said._

_“Clearly. I can't keep doing this. I don’t want to hurt you.”_

_“It’s too late for that.”_

_“I'm sorry.”_

_“What are you sorry for if you haven’t done anything?” Erin asked._

_“That’s not fair. You use everything against me…and I can't take it anymore.”_

_“So just tell me that you’ve never cheated. Tell me you never thought about it, in some city where no one knew your name. Tell me there weren't times when I lay in your bed and you lay in some other woman’s.”_

_“Erin…”_

_The silence seemed to last forever. Dave opened his mouth to speak but he just couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say. He could tell her what she wanted to hear, he already had a million times. But she never believed him anyway. There was nothing left to say. The truth hurts, his mother always said that. Lies had already hurt her…the truth would probably split her in two. It had already done as much to him. The difference was that Dave deserved it; Erin did not. “You knew I wasn’t perfect when you met me.”_

_“Goddamn you!” she threw her hairbrush at him and watched him duck it just in time. “Damn you to hell! Damn you!”_

_“Stop it!!” Dave exclaimed, holding up his hands to stop the barrage of things flying at him. The cold cream got past his hand and hit him right in the side of the head. “Fuck!”_

_“It’s over, you son of a bitch.” She said through clenched teeth. “You won't make a fool of me anymore; I'm done with this.”_

_“Then get the fuck out!” he bellowed, nearly rattling the windows. Dave reached up and felt his bleeding head. “Just go, I don’t give a damn anymore. I don’t give a damn about you; I'm done.”_

_Erin’s blood went cold when she heard him shout. They'd done their share of yelling but she never heard that voice. She grabbed her purse, holding back the tears._

_“You’ve made that abundantly clear. I hope you burn in hell, David Rossi.”_

_She brushed past him, running out of the apartment in her expensive Nolan Miller dress. It took Erin almost two weeks to go back. She made sure he was out of town when she went. She packed up everything of hers; they were practically living together at that point. It was time for this whole sad part of her life to be over._

_She didn’t want the clothes he bought her, or the trinkets. She left behind the diamond tennis bracelet and the Louis Vuitton bag. Maybe the next woman would want it. She took the pink sweater, grabbed a pair of scissors, and cut it shreds. The remnants of it would be waiting for him in his bed when he got back from wherever the hell he was this time._

_Leaving the key on the table at the front door, Erin walked out of Dave Rossi’s place for the last time. She never looked back. They never had a conversation about it. He didn’t try to woo her back with flowers, candy, poems, and bullshit. Erin went on with her life moving up the FBI leadership ladder and Dave thrived in the BAU. They did their best not to cross paths. When they did it was never a good experience for either one of them._

They played that game all the way up to the day he sat in her office and said he wanted to return to the BAU to help. She could’ve said no. The Deputy Director liked the idea but she still could’ve said no. The truth was that they needed him, and she hated that. Damn Jason Gideon and his fucking demons. He left her hanging.

The veterans were in short supply. This was not a time for the inexperienced to be running her show. Erin used enough energy reigning in Aaron Hotchner. She wasn’t sure she had the stamina for David Rossi all over again. As an FBI agent, he hadn't changed much. As a man…she really didn’t give a damn.

She wished she knew what the hell she was thinking when she asked him to that cocktail party. Erin would’ve struck it from her memory. Maybe a part of her wanted him to be an ass, to have an excuse to continue the feud that still burned bright after 25 years. Maybe she was lonely and just wanted to be with someone who knew her before she was Erin Strauss…even if that person hated her. She didn’t know what it was, but she asked, and he actually accepted.

That’s what really blew her mind. It wasn’t enough that she asked, Dave accepted without hesitation. He gave her that look; she dubbed it the ‘Rossi stare’ a long time ago. Even with the look he still said yes. The rest was history; such was the story with them. She wondered on what page of their history this night would fall on.

“What's the matter, baby?”

Erin shivered when Dave moved close to her. He wrapped his arms around her, kissing her. His head rested on her shoulder and his hand on her stomach. She wondered if he felt the butterflies. Sighing, Erin took his hand in hers. She loved the weight of it, how it felt on her skin. She loved all ten of his fingers; five of which she kissed in the darkness.

“I faked it tonight.” She said.

“Faked what?”

“David…”

“I know.” He whispered. “It was very disappointing. Probably not for the reason you might think. If you're not satisfied then I'm not satisfied. We’re both in the room, in the bed; I want us both to feel all the good things.”

“You're so different.”

“What do you mean?”

“I need you to be the David you are now and tell me something.”

“I'm a little confused but I'm with you baby. What do you want to know?”

She opened her mouth to pose the question and then closed it again. Did she want to do this? Did she want to open this Pandora’s Box that could never be closed again? Did she want mistakes of the past, on both of their parts, to ruin what could be a good future? He wasn’t that Dave anymore and she surely wasn’t that Erin.

They’d learned from mistakes, changed with age and experience. This wasn’t a soap opera or some nighttime drama…he wasn’t Bobby and she wasn’t Pam. Those who didn’t know their history were doomed to repeat it. If there was one thing Erin was well aware of it was history.

That was what kept her running forward. There was a damn good reason she did her best not to look back. Asking him this question was going so far back she wouldn’t even recognize herself by the time it was over. She knew she wouldn’t recognize him. It was a bad idea all around.

“Do you love me?” she asked.

“Damn skippy I love you.” he kissed her neck. “Something is bothering you. Tell me about it; I want to help.”

“I found an old picture of us in your desk drawer when I was looking for a pen. It threw me for a loop. I'm wearing that pink sweater.”

“The one you chopped into little pieces and left in my bed.”

“That’s the one.” Erin replied.

“It’s the last picture that survives from that time. I burned the rest of them.”

“I have a few. I threw most things out but there were some things I didn’t want to part with. Good or bad sometimes you still have to have memories of your life. I looked at the girl in the picture…I hardly recognize her.”

“She was beautiful.” Dave said. “She was beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, loving…”

“Paranoid.” Erin finished.

“She had a right to be. The man who loved her wasn’t always good to her.”

“She wasn’t always good to him either.”

“There's a reason that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ is such a popular saying.” Dave said.

“I don’t want us to hurt each other like that ever again.” Erin held tighter to his hand.

“If I haven’t learned anything in all those years, I want someone to throw rocks at me.”

“I’ll be the first to volunteer if it turns out that you haven’t.”

“I love you Erin.” Dave sat up some, moving his body over hers and taking her face in his hands. “The past is the past and I own up to the fact that I did so many things wrong. That wasn’t just with you that was with everything. But this is the present and I'm not into making the same mistakes over and over again. We’re doing great and I intend for it to stay that way. We’re not the people in that picture anymore.”

She nodded, knowing that was true. This was different and Erin needed to remember that. She did for a while and then she saw that picture. She saw those frozen smiles and those fresh faces. She saw the fights, the tears, the anger, and the ill will.

The two people in the bed tonight wanted nothing to do with that. Even if Rossi and Strauss still had moments where they were in conflict, Dave and Erin were in love. They were all about love, laughter, sex, and happiness. They weren't perfect, and didn’t want to be anymore. They just wanted to be together and over the past year and a half had weathered their share of storms doing that.

“I love you too.” she kissed him. “I'm sorry I was so out of it this evening.”

“I'm sorry too. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

“Well…”

“Tell me.” Dave leaned to kiss her collarbone.

“Let’s rewind the tape, David. I don’t want to go too far back in time, maybe just an hour or so. I want to feel you; I missed it before. I don’t ever want to miss it again.”

If that’s what she wanted, Dave had no plans to disappoint her. He had done that enough in the past. He wanted to feel her too so they were definitely on the same page. Erin needed to know how loved she was. He’d passed the point where it shocked him anymore, this thing they had.

It was theirs and he was going to make it work. It would work through the FBI powers that be, the BAU, the book tours, the past, and anything else that wanted to stand in the way. A man didn’t often get a second chance to do something right. Dave loved her then and he hurt her. He loved her now and he wouldn’t stop.

***


End file.
